Viral gastro. It spreads like wildfire and takes no prisoners. And if you have school-aged children, you’re a sitting duck. Before you know someone in your fold is incubating, you’ve already been sneezed on (and spat on, and shared bathwater, towels and eating utensils with them). The chances of escape are slim to none.
I don’t think I need go into gross detail here. Most of us have been there and bought the t-shirt. And if you have children, buying the t-shirt means being spewed (and possibly pooed) on.
But this weekend, while we waited-out our quarantine period at home, I’ve been considering the upside to gastro. I’m a glass half full kinda girl (with a blog to write).
Cleanliness is next to Godliness
Let’s face it. The kids’ bedding really did need a wash, and sometimes it just takes fate (in the form of a projectile vomit) to step in and force your hand. On the upside, while you’re scraping the slimy chunks off the sheets in the wee hours, you can also give next week’s ‘to do’ list a pre-emptive tick.
And that awkward spot behind the toilet cistern? God knows when you’d’ve found time to crawl in and clean around there, without the vomit splatter to guide you.
Strength and agility training
If you’re a parent, you’ll be aware of the universal fact that children seldom know when they’re about to vomit. We all know the scenario:
Parent: Do you feel sick sweetie?
Child: No… (squirming uncomfortably)
Parent: Hmm.. Should we get the bowl to the just in case?
Child: I’m not sick. (turning green) I just want a biscuit.
Parent: Hmmm.. (eyeing child suspiciously)
Child: I don’t feel g….. euaaggchch! Bleurgh! (SPLAT) Waahhhhhhh!
But with practice, you can make up for this deficit by developing superhuman vomit detection senses. Given enough training, you’ll snap to attention at the slightest moan.
Before you’re even awake, you’ll be streaking to their side, deftly dodging obstacles like an elite athlete. You’ll impress yourself with what you can use to intercept those surprise projectile offerings! An old bowl is good, but if you don’t have one handy, your cupped hands (or your nightdress held aloft) are perfectly good alternatives.
It’s better to take one for the team, than be faced with the lingering smell of it on the rug ’til to the ends of time.
You’ve heard the stories of mothers who lift cars to rescue trapped children? Well the speed at which I can appear at my child’s side – bowl in hand, in the middle of the night – is eerily similar. If the vomit-dash was an olympic sport, I’d’ve smashed a few WRs this weekend.
No more boring shopping trips
Going to the supermarket is so boring and expensive – but in the case of gastro, you need only duck out once to stock the house with icypoles, rehydration fluids, antiseptic paraphernalia and paper towel. After that you can board up the windows, pop on the tele, and wait for the next man to fall.
And while I’m on the subject, who are you kidding with the Glen 20 anyway? You can cover every surface of the house in that stuff, but you’ll never escape. Haven’t you watched zombie movies? A splash in the eye is all it takes (and although the result isn’t quite as immediate, if can often be just as dramatic).
A Licence to be lazy
When you have gastro, and you’ve splashed the news all over Facebook, you can be assured no-one’s going to be dropping by. Your friends don’t want to know you (and those who have visited over the last week are wishing to sweet Jesus they hadn’t).
The upside here is that whole family can stay in pyjamas indefinitely. There’s no need to make the beds or vacuum. You certainly won’t be welcome at swimming lessons (that’s one weekly argument eliminated). And come to think of it, there’s no need for makeup or hair washing either – it’s only going to get vomited on again!
Finally, because you need all the distractions you can get, usual television rules are suspended. Leave it on all day.
Revel in the snuggle time
Although we love them, children are generally exhausting. They talk a lot, make a mother-load of mess and ask for food constantly. They also rarely sit still, which means limited snuggling opportunities.
Gastro brings out the vulnerable side in any child, and for a brief while, you are once again the centre of their universe. You get to ask sweetly: Can I get you anything possum? or Are you okay little fella? You get to sit up all night and watch Rage, smoothing a little one’s silky hair and uttering sweet nothings to soothe them.
Go you earth mother you.
Mealtimes are a breeze with gastro
It sounds like a ridiculous 1950’s ad line, but gastro gives you a rare pardon from one of the most relentless constants in life – mealtimes. It’s truly amazing the time you find on your hands when no-one wants to eat.
In the land of gastro, dry biscuits or bananas are perfectly acceptable meal offerings (or you can get fancy and take it up a notch with vegemite toast). This eliminates any need for the usual bargaining and cajoling over vegetables, and puts you permanently in the good books.
Let me share one of my most treasured moments this weekend: It was the look on my child’s face when they asked for dinner, and I suggested an icy pole. For an instant, as I tenderly peeled back the paper, and shuffled them back toward the television, I was the coolest mum on earth.
As a dietitian, I’m often asked for quick fix weight loss ideas. And although I’m loathe to jump on the fasting is so hot right now bandwagon, I’ve got to say: When it’s unavoidable (and hopefully infrequent) it’s amazing what a few days without food can do for you.
Just think of all the fundraising chocolates you’d’ve scoffed if you weren’t busy mopping up vomit. Your weary abdominal muscles haven’t seen such a workout since you made that one, ridiculous attempt at body pump. And ask yourself: when was the last time you went this long without alcohol, coffee or salty food?
Your body loves you right now. Your liver loves you right now. And when you finally turn the corner, and sum up the energy to get out of pyjamas and into your jeans again, you’ll notice a bit of extra breathing room. Well enjoy this gift to you from gastro (you’ve worked hard for it, after all).
And seriously, imagine how good that first glass of wine will taste, when you’re back in ruddy good health…