Ten things I’d really have liked for Mothers Day

Okay.  I know this is an easy target.  And there are probably a lot of these lists going around.  And of course, if I really could have anything I wanted, I would wish for world peace and end to poverty and a cure for cancer and MS and every other bastard degenerative disease out there.  I’d also wish for a happy ending for all of the women who so desperately want to be mums, but aren’t yet.  Excruciating.

So thank you to my beautiful children, and their handmade cards and gifts.  And thank you to my husband for buying me flowers and vacuuming the car and making me dinner.  I salute you.

mothers day delights

Here are ten things which would also have been awesome Mothers Day gifts:

1.  It would be really nice if, for once, my daughter nailed the ‘what I love about Mummy’ question, at the school mothers day morning.

You know – the bit when you all sit around in a circle, and every child has a turn at saying something nice about their mum?  In front of EVERYONE.  And I see her start to squirm… Some acceptable examples, as voiced by her classmates last Friday, were:

  • She’s AMAZING
  • She’s beautiful
  • She’s the best mum in the world (5 children said this!)

And what I got was:

  • She cooks me food

Now this is a true statement.  I do, in fact, cook her dinner most nights, and pack her lunches every day.  And yet… I’ll admit to being a little underwhelmed.  Surely an adjective or two wouldn’t go astray here?

fish finger guys

(I do make awesome dinners)

2.  I would love a shoe re-homing device

Like a Robomaid, only it specifically seeks out shoes (must be able to climb walls to reach those placed on the mantle piece out of the puppy’s reach) and returns them neatly to the correct closets.  Just a little thing, but I think it would make me immensely happy.

my mantle piece

3.  I’d like my children to remember to flush the toilet and wash their hands

Again, just a little thing.  And not a terribly difficult concept to grasp, one would think.  But do you know how often it is that I walk into the bathroom to be greeted by Mr Hanky staring back at me?!  Far too often.

I think what I need is one of those space aged booths with automatic flushing and a lock-in system which denies exit until you’ve washed your hands (with soap Goddamnit).  This would also eliminate the ‘did you wash and flush?’ question, which I currently ask at least five times daily.

And while I’m on the subject of toileting,..

4.  Is there such a thing as doggy toilet training boot camp?

And if not, can I maybe have that Chesty Bonds Vet man from the tele come over for some intensive toilet training assistance?  And I can make him cups of tea and regale him with cute puppy stories..

Why are you looking at me like that?  Did I say that out loud?

bondi vet man

What? Are you saying I’m the first person to have this fantasy?

Oh and one more while I’m on the subject:

5.  Can I please be allowed to go to the toilet in peace?!  PLEASE!?

This means no barging through the door as soon as I have closed it.  Or, for that matter, trying to hip-and-shoulder the door down if I lock it.  And no thumping on the door and asking me questions.  And no wailing MUUUUMMAAA I need you!

And finally, no slumping heavily against the bathroom door and breathing loudly until I am finished.  Just NO!  Okay?!

6.  I would like a mute button for the children

Now I don’t wish to sound harsh here.  I adore my children.  And they say some of the most delightful things.  So I would just like the option of the mute button for emergencies, and I promise I wouldn’t use it too often.


7.  I’d like a CCTV slow motion playback / external referee to sort out the children’s arguments

Imagine how much easier this would make my life?!  All I’d need to do, in the event of the screaming match / sobbing child / mysterious chocolate swindle, would be to make that special sign they do (where you draw the outline of a screen with your fingertips, and look up to the heavens).

I might use my mute button whilst waiting for the decision.

red card

Sorry kids – official decision is final

8.  I’d like the children to call out ‘DADDDYEEEEEE!!!’ in the middle of the night, in the event of a wet bed / tummy ache / evil Kermit in the cupboard / unexplained night terror / pending vomit

Enough said.  Moving right along..

9.   I’d like an extra 5 minutes sleep for every F&#KING loom band I find around the house.

I mean SERIOUSLY!  These things are everywhere.  And the dog tries to eat them.  And then I have to chase her.  And then she thinks I’m playing with her.  And then by the time I’ve finally caught her and prized open her jaws, I’ve forgotten what the hell I was doing in the first place.loom bands

10.  I’d like a four day mini break in Noosa with 7 old friends, a rooftop spa and and an afternoon beach cocktail party

And that, my friends, is exactly what I’m doing this weekend!  Come Thursday morning I’ll be boarding a plane (without a million activity pads and snacks and changes of clothes) and ordering myself a glass of sparkling.

It’s a Mothers Day present I’m giving to myself.  And it’s going to be awesome.



2 thoughts on “Ten things I’d really have liked for Mothers Day

  1. Noosa. Brilliant!
    Ok, so I remember being little and feeling guilty when it occurred to me that I only ever called out for mum in the middle of the night – ‘Muuuumyyyyyyy’ – and that maybe dad thought I didn’t love him as much. So one night (presumably when I was feeling scared and needing some reassurance that nothing but me was in my room) I called out ‘Daaaaddyyyyy’, and felt good that I was sharing the love. Dad stumbled into my room, gave me a bit of a pat, and retreated back to bed (fair enough). I felt like I had ticked the shared the love box, and reverted back to ‘muuuumyyyyy’ on every occasion after that. It just felt so right!

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