8 Fantastic Foods for a Happy, Healthy Vagina!

Yes, you read correctly.  And if you’re anything like me, your initial reaction was something along the lines of …..

What the actual fuck?

(sorry mum)

There I was standing at the kitchen bench, minding my business (simultaneously listening to my 6 year old’s reader and scrolling through my Facebook feed), when I happened upon this little chestnut from Mr know-it-all himself, David Avocado Wolfe.

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Now I have a lot of questions I’d like to ask David Avocado Wolfe.  And the first one is: What’s with the super-wanky name?  Since when is it okay to plonk “Avocado” between your first and last names and then go around acting like it’s perfectly normal?  Please explain.

Another of my many questions is this:  How is it that he’s scammed five million Facebook users (including some of my friends) into promoting his special brand of Grade A, nonsensical woo to the masses?  Because in addition to being the rock star and Indiana Jones of the superfoods and longevity universe (his words, not mine), he also happens to be a certified gravity denying, flouride-in-the-water-dissing, GMO-scaremongering, deer-antler-extract-peddling dingbat, with a scarily weak grip on actual reality.

Oh.  And he has a thing against ‘big pharma’.  How utterly original.

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But let’s not get too sidetracked here.  I want to get back to 8 Fantastic Foods for a Happy and Healthy Vagina!  Because I won’t lie.  I was kind of intrigued.  As both a dietitian and the owner of a vagina, I felt it was my business to know more about these vagina superfoods.

Of course, I was skeptical –  primarily because this is David Fruitloop Wolfe we’re talking about, and also because I studied nutrition for five years, and I don’t recall that bit.

<puzzled face>

Had this guy happened upon some official Vaginal Nutrition Guidelines that I didn’t know about? Had he conducted a meta-analysis of all the double-blinded, placebo controlled studies on whether yoghurt is good for your girly bits? Or did he just sit down on a fairly slow blogging day and think ‘vaginas’.  And decide to start with some fairly healthy foods and sciency words and make the rest up?

I’m gonna call it early. I think it might have been the latter.

So off I went to do a bit of my own research on the Avocado man’s vagina diet.  His first one was (duh!) Avocados.

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Short story: here’s a link to some information about why avocados are awesome.  They’re full of good fats, antioxidants and vitamins E and C. They’re also a surprisingly good source of fibre.  But have they been shown to strengthen the vaginal wall?  Hmmm.. no.

Screen Shot 2016-05-12 at 4.45.48 PMDavid.  I’m actually with you here.   As popular opinion would have it, it’s probably a good idea to include naturally fermented foods and yoghurts with live and active cultures for their *potential* effect on vaginal flora and pH (ie. preventing icky bacterial or yeast infections of the lady bits).

Just as an aside, if like me, you were never quite sure if you were supposed to put the yoghurt on / up your vagina, or eat it, the answer is.  You eat it.

And also, if like me, you’re grossed out by David’s dairy = pus meme, you’ll find the inclusion of yoghurt in his vagina superfoods list a little perplexing…

confusedgrossed out by milk 'facts'

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Sweet potatoes are really good for you.  Let me see if I can follow his logic here:

  • Sweet potato has antioxidants – TICK! (it’s full of the little mofos).
  • Antioxidants mop up free radicals that can cause damage in our body – TICK!

But this is where it gets sketchy – the leap between sweet potatoes being good for you and the claim that they strengthen the vaginal and uterine walls.  Long bow David.  Long bow.

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Pumpkin seeds are indeed rich in zinc and vitamin E.  And fibre.  And good fats.

But just how do they regulate menstrual cycles, and cure the very vague ‘vaginal irritation’?  And how many pumpkins seeds do I take, and how often, to relieve menstrual cramps?  And why isn’t Jean Hailes (my go-to online resource for all things womens’ health-related) espousing the use of pumpkin seeds for cycle regulation and period pain?

Because there is no evidence for the use of pumpkin seeds for vaginal ailments, is why.

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Garlic is tasty and garlic is good.  It has a host of potentially anti-inflammatory, cardioprotective, anti-carcinogenic and antimicrobial effects.  It’s also a prebiotic, which may promote the growth of good intestinal and vaginal flora.  Do we have any evidence that we can use garlic to treat established vaginal infections? Nope. So he gets half a point for that one.

Screen Shot 2016-05-12 at 4.41.23 PMI’m a big fan of dark green leafy vegetables for many reasons.  Remember that study where women were fed dark green leafy vegetables or placebo, which showed the group in the intervention arm had statistically significant reduction in vaginal burning and itching sensations?  No?  Neither do I.  Nice one David.

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Cranberries and cranberry juice do have some evidence behind them in balancing the pH of the urogenital system and potentially preventing UTI’s – I’ll give him that (even if he did just link to another wellness blog, rather than a scientific paper).

But when we start talking about balancing ‘the body’s pH’ my woo radar is well and truly bleeping.  Don’t get me started on the whole acid/alkaline diet myth about how we can change our body’s pH.  I can’t even.

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David reckons chocolate is actually an octave of sun energy (but then he also believes that mushrooms are extraterrestrial, and solar panels are draining the sun of it’s power).  Even so, I’m totally on board with the legitimisation of chocolate as a dietary staple.  Maybe it does boost your immune system!

The bit I’m confused about here is the chocolate-induced dopamine production.  This happens in the brain, rather than the vagina.  Am I right?

In conclusion

  1.  Chocolate (like many other foods) is not only good for you, it is also extremely delicious.  How much it has to do with your vagina is anyone’s guess.
  2. Eating a wide range of fruits and vegetables and including both prebiotic and probiotic foods in your diet is probably good for the whole body, including downstairs.
  3. Doing pelvic floor exercises (as opposed to just thinking about doing them, which I frequently do) is a lot more likely to give you a vagina of steel than eating any of the foods on this list.

And going forward, I’d hereby like to be referred to as Marnie Zucchini Eggplant. Not one but two vegetables.

Up yours David.