8 Fantastic Foods for a Happy, Healthy Vagina!

Yes, you read correctly.  And if you’re anything like me, your initial reaction was something along the lines of …..

What the actual fuck?

(sorry mum)

There I was standing at the kitchen bench, minding my business (simultaneously listening to my 6 year old’s reader and scrolling through my Facebook feed), when I happened upon this little chestnut from Mr know-it-all himself, David Avocado Wolfe.

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Now I have a lot of questions I’d like to ask David Avocado Wolfe.  And the first one is: What’s with the super-wanky name?  Since when is it okay to plonk “Avocado” between your first and last names and then go around acting like it’s perfectly normal?  Please explain.

Another of my many questions is this:  How is it that he’s scammed five million Facebook users (including some of my friends) into promoting his special brand of Grade A, nonsensical woo to the masses?  Because in addition to being the rock star and Indiana Jones of the superfoods and longevity universe (his words, not mine), he also happens to be a certified gravity denying, flouride-in-the-water-dissing, GMO-scaremongering, deer-antler-extract-peddling dingbat, with a scarily weak grip on actual reality.

Oh.  And he has a thing against ‘big pharma’.  How utterly original.

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But let’s not get too sidetracked here.  I want to get back to 8 Fantastic Foods for a Happy and Healthy Vagina!  Because I won’t lie.  I was kind of intrigued.  As both a dietitian and the owner of a vagina, I felt it was my business to know more about these vagina superfoods.

Of course, I was skeptical –  primarily because this is David Fruitloop Wolfe we’re talking about, and also because I studied nutrition for five years, and I don’t recall that bit.

<puzzled face>

Had this guy happened upon some official Vaginal Nutrition Guidelines that I didn’t know about? Had he conducted a meta-analysis of all the double-blinded, placebo controlled studies on whether yoghurt is good for your girly bits? Or did he just sit down on a fairly slow blogging day and think ‘vaginas’.  And decide to start with some fairly healthy foods and sciency words and make the rest up?

I’m gonna call it early. I think it might have been the latter.

So off I went to do a bit of my own research on the Avocado man’s vagina diet.  His first one was (duh!) Avocados.

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Short story: here’s a link to some information about why avocados are awesome.  They’re full of good fats, antioxidants and vitamins E and C. They’re also a surprisingly good source of fibre.  But have they been shown to strengthen the vaginal wall?  Hmmm.. no.

Screen Shot 2016-05-12 at 4.45.48 PMDavid.  I’m actually with you here.   As popular opinion would have it, it’s probably a good idea to include naturally fermented foods and yoghurts with live and active cultures for their *potential* effect on vaginal flora and pH (ie. preventing icky bacterial or yeast infections of the lady bits).

Just as an aside, if like me, you were never quite sure if you were supposed to put the yoghurt on / up your vagina, or eat it, the answer is.  You eat it.

And also, if like me, you’re grossed out by David’s dairy = pus meme, you’ll find the inclusion of yoghurt in his vagina superfoods list a little perplexing…

confusedgrossed out by milk 'facts'

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Sweet potatoes are really good for you.  Let me see if I can follow his logic here:

  • Sweet potato has antioxidants – TICK! (it’s full of the little mofos).
  • Antioxidants mop up free radicals that can cause damage in our body – TICK!

But this is where it gets sketchy – the leap between sweet potatoes being good for you and the claim that they strengthen the vaginal and uterine walls.  Long bow David.  Long bow.

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Pumpkin seeds are indeed rich in zinc and vitamin E.  And fibre.  And good fats.

But just how do they regulate menstrual cycles, and cure the very vague ‘vaginal irritation’?  And how many pumpkins seeds do I take, and how often, to relieve menstrual cramps?  And why isn’t Jean Hailes (my go-to online resource for all things womens’ health-related) espousing the use of pumpkin seeds for cycle regulation and period pain?

Because there is no evidence for the use of pumpkin seeds for vaginal ailments, is why.

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Garlic is tasty and garlic is good.  It has a host of potentially anti-inflammatory, cardioprotective, anti-carcinogenic and antimicrobial effects.  It’s also a prebiotic, which may promote the growth of good intestinal and vaginal flora.  Do we have any evidence that we can use garlic to treat established vaginal infections? Nope. So he gets half a point for that one.

Screen Shot 2016-05-12 at 4.41.23 PMI’m a big fan of dark green leafy vegetables for many reasons.  Remember that study where women were fed dark green leafy vegetables or placebo, which showed the group in the intervention arm had statistically significant reduction in vaginal burning and itching sensations?  No?  Neither do I.  Nice one David.

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Cranberries and cranberry juice do have some evidence behind them in balancing the pH of the urogenital system and potentially preventing UTI’s – I’ll give him that (even if he did just link to another wellness blog, rather than a scientific paper).

But when we start talking about balancing ‘the body’s pH’ my woo radar is well and truly bleeping.  Don’t get me started on the whole acid/alkaline diet myth about how we can change our body’s pH.  I can’t even.

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David reckons chocolate is actually an octave of sun energy (but then he also believes that mushrooms are extraterrestrial, and solar panels are draining the sun of it’s power).  Even so, I’m totally on board with the legitimisation of chocolate as a dietary staple.  Maybe it does boost your immune system!

The bit I’m confused about here is the chocolate-induced dopamine production.  This happens in the brain, rather than the vagina.  Am I right?

In conclusion

  1.  Chocolate (like many other foods) is not only good for you, it is also extremely delicious.  How much it has to do with your vagina is anyone’s guess.
  2. Eating a wide range of fruits and vegetables and including both prebiotic and probiotic foods in your diet is probably good for the whole body, including downstairs.
  3. Doing pelvic floor exercises (as opposed to just thinking about doing them, which I frequently do) is a lot more likely to give you a vagina of steel than eating any of the foods on this list.

And going forward, I’d hereby like to be referred to as Marnie Zucchini Eggplant. Not one but two vegetables.

Up yours David.


35 thoughts on “8 Fantastic Foods for a Happy, Healthy Vagina!

  1. Ms Eggplant. Hilarious. Can’t believe our solar panels are draining the sun though… That is worrying, and well, unexpected. My new name shall be Potato. On account of how easy it is to turn into chips. And it’s benefit to my vagina. It strengthens the vaginal wall. In case you were wondering.

  2. Oh Marnie, thank you for taking down Mr Avocado Wolfe, his inspo-porn quotes make my teeth itch He’s almost ruined Avos for me too…actually, no, every inner city cafe has done that…I often wonder why he didn’t go for something more in keeping with his ethos, like goji berry or kale. Thanks for the many chuckles 🙂

  3. Good laugh, now I need to check our Mr Avocado for some Friday arvo faux rage.

    Really missed a good opportunity on the garlic vis a vis ‘proofing’ menstruation from vampires. Although there are always the bears…

  4. Love your work Marnie!! Now to tackle the other 127,000 weirdo wellness bloggers and peddllers of silly (harmful or costly) information? You’d better get started 🙂

  5. I was laughing so hard reading your post…which was all very well until my 4 year old said “mommy, what is so funny?” Now, how on earth do I explain to him that I was reading about avocados and vaginas, but he is not to mention this to anyone, especially his kindergarten teacher!?!

    • Oh goooood Teri. Kids will always say the darn-est things anyway so you may as well have gone ahead and told him about the vaginas. I’m sure the kinder teachers would thank you for the amusing show and tell!

  6. Has anyone actually tried unsweetened cranberry juice? And I thought phenylalanine was a chemical invented by the devil to poison the children whose teeth we were trying to save

  7. I laughed and laughed. Just yesterday a friend shared something from his page on Facebook. And even though on it had some merit to it and was only maybe 50% fear mongering which on David Avocado Wolfe sale is a very very good post, I found it really hard to bite my tongue and not list out everything that I think about the post and this crook. From personal experience people just get offended by my “negativity”. This was a great read gravity-defying-magic-crystal-induced -good-vibes coming your way.

    • Thank you so much Scarlet 😁! You know how he does it? By interspersing relatively sane, feel-good, reasonable sounding memes with absolute kooky claptrap. He bamboozles people into thinking he couldn’t possibly be that CRAZY!!

  8. Did he specify the method of consumption of these foods in his original post? I wonder if he mentioned whether we’re supposed to eat them or shove them up our hoo has 🙂

  9. You shouldn’t be on your phone while listening to your 6 year old read. One day she won’t won’t you to listen to her and she won’t listen to you. Put your phone down and pay attention to your baby. She won’t be little forever.

    • Oh Victoria! If only you knew I was also eating and writing a shopping list and chopping vegetables at the same time as listening to the reader. I fear I’m a worse mum than you originally thought. Going straight to hell! I hope they have gin in hell..

  10. Love this!
    1. Embarrassingly, I have also pondered the yoghurt thing.
    2. I agree with your assertion that Mr Avocado is something of a fruit loop.
    3. Homeostasis.
    Sharon Brussel Sprout Hall

  11. General content aside, I consider your title to be link-bait, as you are using someone else’s article and then cutting it down instead of actually giving us anything we can use. When I click on “8 Fantastic Foods for a Happy, Healthy Vagina!” I would expect that you actually had these things to offer 😦

    • Gee I’m sorry to disappoint CJ! But there’s just not much to offer in the way of evidence based recommendations for vagina superfoods. thought I was being pretty concise with my conclusion there. Thanks for reading 😁

  12. Pingback: The Truth About Pus In Milk. | Fitness Reloaded

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