Allow me to introduce myself – I’m model no. WHIPPET-14T. I’m fitted with standard soulful grey eyes, and yes, I am very cute.
During my first few days at home with you, you’ll feel like an anxious first-time mother with a precious newborn. I’ll cry at night time, and catapult myself toward the laundry door out of desperation and anxiety, causing you to feel heartless for wrenching me from my mother’s breast. And as you get up to comfort me, you’ll remember with horror, the broken sleep that comes with a newborn. I’m pretty much as demanding, but you can’t breastfeed me to sleep.
To compound your anxiety, I’ll refuse to eat dog food or drink water, but I’ll delight in eating anything which is not a foodstuff. Please see the ‘traffic light’ guide below for my preferences.
It’s universally accepted that puppies love to chew shoes – but did you know this is not limited to inanimate shoes? I much prefer moving shoes (with real feet in them) due to their interactive nature, and the added element of potentially tripping the big person inside them. Awesome.
If there are no shoes available, I’ll settle for odd socks, pyjamas or underwear.
The model you have purchased includes variable speed control (options being ‘ON’, ‘OFF’ and ‘COMPLETELY MENTAL’).
In ‘ON’ mode, I am pretty intense. If you plan on getting down low to say hi when I’m ‘ON’, you may want to cover your earlobes and nostrils – I’m fast, and my teeth are needle sharp.
Over the course of a day, be prepared for me to enter into the ‘COMPLETELY MENTAL’ mode at random intervals (during which I have been likened to the lead character from The Wolf of Wall Street, after he’s just snorted five consecutive lines of coke off a prostitute’s buttocks). In this mode, I enjoy taking flying leaps at your body, and running in crazed circles around the yard at breakneck speed.
Factory settings mean that the ‘COMPLETELY MENTAL’ phase is followed immediately by the ‘OFF’ phase (this may last for periods of up to 2 hours at a time). During the ‘OFF’ phase, it is normal for you to wonder what has gone wrong with me, and to poke me to check if I’m still alive. I won’t wake up.
I generally enjoy solitude when ‘OFF’, and may take to hiding under furniture to achieve this. However, I’m very adaptable, and can just as easily complete an ‘OFF’ cycle while sleeping on a small bush.
Warnings and troubleshooting
On the first morning, I’ll be so overwhelmed with excitement that I’ll leap out of the child’s arms and land awkwardly, provoking a good 15 minutes of high anxiety as I limp around the kitchen with a potentially broken leg. You’ll wonder if there is a pet equivalent of the Maternal and Children Health line.
Contrary to popular belief, I do not know what the words ‘wee wee’ or ‘poo poo’ mean. I’m especially uninterested in these terms when taken outside in the rain in the small hours of the morning.
You are strongly advised to purchase paper towel and antiseptic wipes in bulk.
A personalised message from your WHIPPET-14T
I’d really love to know more about these things that you scatter around the house at night. Is this an obstacle course? Are they like lily pads? Anyway, I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to urinate or defecate on them. As you will have noticed, I’m very careful to wee anywhere but on these.
Also, thank you so much for buying all of these colourful, chewy little rubber things for me. You’ve gone to so much trouble to supply them in each room of the house. But why do you always remove them from my mouth, as soon as I have my gums around their rubbery goodness?
And finally – that really big dude with the low voice? The one who thinks dogs should live outside? Don’t worry – I’m working on him. Last night when you were out, he let me sit in the lounge room and lick his toes 😉